Sunday, June 17, 2007

Alaala ng isang ama...

Happy Father's Day. How I wish I am able to say this to you in person, rather than to an obscure wooden box that held your ashes. I know I haven't been there for you the last years of your life. I've been here, far away, trying to rebuild my life just as you've always wanted. And then it was too late. You just slipped quietly away, on your own terms, not giving us a chance to argue.

It's been a little over eight months since you passed away. Life's been tough, but good. But I think you already know that. Just like you've always known that I always keep my promises no matter how hard it becomes. There's still a couple of things I need to do, then hopefully, I'd have been able to do things just as you hoped I would.

I've always been a Daddy's girl ever since I can remember. Maybe because my sister has always been a Mommy's little girl. Whatever it was, it made life interesting. I was the son you never had growing up. But just as I was getting comfortable being a son, you decided that I needed to be a girl. Now, that took a lot of work. Am not even sure we succeeded on that one, but hey! we did manage to take home some beauty titles and a lot of great memories.

We would always manage to end up arguing, no matter what the topic may be. You're too philosophically inclined not to argue, and I have too much of you in me not to follow suit. Sometimes, we'd end up upset because we are too stubborn to give in. What I liked best was the quiet mornings, just before anybody else is up. You had coffee ready and I would sit there with you just talking, laughing at something silly we did years before, remembering together and planning for the future.

That I think makes it doubly hard for me. All my plans, I made with you. A lot of my memories are also of you. The house I dreamed of buying... with a huge garden for you to spend your time in, growing those flowers and plants you've always loved. The car that I bought... so that all of us can fit in when we want to take off. And all the rest... we talked and planned, miles apart but always in touch.

Now, I have to content myself with memories... You believed in me till I learned to believe in myself. You held me up till I was strong enough to stand on my own. You lighted my way till I can see with my own eyes. And you let me be, till I can become what I've always been meant to be. Life has never been easy, but you taught me how to live and be part of the bigger picture, to enjoy every single moment as it comes, to learn from the mistakes of the past, to not crumble with life's burden, to believe when no one else does, and to look beyond the horizon, because there will always be a tomorrow to wake up to.

I love you Tatay, and I miss you so much. At times, when I'm missing him too much and on the verge of crying, I'll hear his voice, just as if he were next to me saying, " Anong ipinagmumukmok mo dyan? Kaya ka napangit, e." That would make the tears fall faster, but that also brings out a smile, because I would always answer, "Kung pangit ako e di pangit ka rin?" Not to be outdone, he'd retort, "Napalitan ka lang naman sa ospital e." To which I'd say, "hmp! kaya pala tayo pinagbiyak na inidoro." I'd still be sad afterwards, but I'd feel a little better knowing that he is in my heart... always.


Heart of Rachel said...

Thanks for sharing this heartwarming post. I'm sure your father is looking down on you and your family with love in his heart. God bless his soul.