Wednesday, January 30, 2008

dry river bed...

Thursday, January 24, 2008

reality bites... HARD!

Once in a while something happens that makes you question every single thing around you. Last January 22nd was one of those days you'd wish never happened. I was busy minding my own business on my way to work stopping as the traffic light hovers between yellow and red and thinking what kind of breakfast I should get along with my hazelnut coffee when BAM! I've been rear-ended by some dude who thinks that he can beat the red light with me blocking his way. It really makes me wonder how anyone can think of going faster than the car in front of them and actually thinks they can get away without having an accident.

And so, information changed hands... all was well... at least up to that point where I dialed my sister's cellphone number, only to realize that no one would be answering my call. After that, forget it. I was a mess. The accident was nothing compared to the impact of realization that my sister is forever gone.

The car, now in the shop for repairs, my body, hopefully on the mend, and my mind, thankfully too drugged up to care about anything else. And so days passed and I am precariously doing a balancing act. With everything that's happened, I cannot help but be amazed that I am still here trying to accept reality as it tries to bite more chunks of what little sanity I have left in me.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Another Birthday...

One whole year has passed. Once again, here I am celebrating my birthday. Last year's birthday was the first one in years to be celebrated with almost everyone in the family present... yes, my Dad went away too soon to be with us that day. And this year, what makes it even sadder is the fact that we are now two members of the family short... this time, it was my sister who passed away last December. It's hard to live day to day without their presence. I guess I'm just too used to having them around all the time or at least after my case or just a phone call away.

Looking back, I at least can say, I have partially fulfilled my promise to my Dad. I know, partial is not enough, but I'm sure he understands why it has to be that way... at least for now.

Nothing can ever make up for the loss of my Dad and my sister. Be as it may, I am still thankful for a lot of things that came my way.

To Tatay ang Ate Beth - both of you made it a point of looking after everyone else. I think that's the reason why even now that both of you are gone, we still go on as if we'd wake up and find both of you here, with us. It's been hard, first with Tatay gone, then Ate Beth... but just knowing how much we are loved by both of you is enough to keep us going. And for that, thank you.

To Glenn - I never thought I'd see myself do this, but thank you. Took me a long time to understand just who you were and how important you were in my life. Now I know. You were the push I needed to get me to where I'm supposed to be. Took a lot of pain, a lot of tears to get there, but I made it. I hope you've found happiness wherever you are, just as you have led me to mine without even knowing it. Again, thank you.

To Andre - the one true friend who stayed by my side at my worst. The only friend that I miss the most because I've lost you. I lost you when I left, It was all my fault I know. Now I am glad that you are with someone who loves you the way you deserved to be loved. I hope someday I'll be able to see you again and meet this lovely woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with. To you and your wife, thank you.

To Dibbs and her beloved - the two people who knows me better than I know myself. It's sometimes scary that both of you know what I'm thinking and what I'm going through even without me saying anything. Most of the time, both of you will say something just because you picked up something at the sound of my voice. Dibbs, you've always been an integral part of me. I could never have made it this far if you have not been there to guide me. Sometimes, just listening to me ramble on is enough to calm me down and make me see what it is I have to do. Beloved, you have this amazing knack of knowing when I need cheering up. It's like you have this massive antenna aimed at me telling you I needed someone to talk to. We've not seen each other in years, yet you have been present in everything that's happened in my life. Both of you have made life a little easier and no amount of gratitude can ever repay that. Know that I am also here for both of you whenever you need me. I love you both and am glad that I have the two of you in my life.

To Ralline, Ella and MaryAnn - the other 3 members of the Sistahuds. You all must think that I always get myself into a lot of unnecessary trouble. Yet, inspite of that you guys never wavered in your belief in me. Whatever it is, you just take everything in stride and still love me for what I am. I am so blessed to have friends like the three of you. Remember, I may not be with you physically, but you can always count on me.

To Pet, Bong and their respective wives - Years may pass without us seeing each other, but somehow, the bonds of friendship that we all share is made stronger. Everytime I go back, both of you always made me feel as if I've never left. Thanks to your wives for putting up with me ;)

To Nap and Family - Lost time because of distance and busy schedules. All these matters not. No matter how busy you were with your schedule, you always know when it's time to step in ang give me a much needed shaking, or a shoulder to cry on, or a joke to make me smile... even a song to remind me of how precious life can be especially with friends like you. Saying thank you will never be enough... To your wife, who I've met, thank you for treating me like an old friend even though we've only seen each other once. I'm so glad that Nap found you or is it you who found him? Much love to both of you and to your little one.

To my ex-husband and his wife - I will pray that you finally get what you've both been hoping for. I'll have this as part of my birthday wish...

To my Mom - I know it is hard, first to lose the man you love, then to lose a daughter, in a span of 13 months. I know because I too am feeling the loss. There is nothing much I can give you at this point, our loss can never be recovered, but I'm still here and your grandchildren are here. We've always joked that you are my sister's Mom and I am my father's daughter, but behind that joke, we all knew that we are family and we are loved.

To Kyla - I hope you finally find it in you to be strong, just as I know you are. All you need is to believe in yourself and you will find that elusive happiness you always seem to be losing. I know happiness can come from being in love, but beyond that true happiness is being true to yourself, accepting what you are and finding happiness in it. Believe and you will become.

To Axel - I have placed a lot of responsibilities on your shoulders at such a young age. And though you never complained, I know how hard it must be for you. Keep believing and keep dreaming...

To my other friends - no, you have not been forgotten. I hold you all close to my heart.

To the source of my happiness - yes, this time, aside from my kids, there is someone else. Thank you. I may not be able to express myself as clearly as I would like, but that's just the way it is. Never for a moment doubt what I've told you, I have doubted myself enough for the both of us. For everything that's been said, I can only thank my lucky stars that anything was said at all. For more that's been left unsaid... maybe someday we'll know.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

A much needed break...

Finally went off and had a real vacation. Just a short one, but very much needed to get me recharged. Flew out of Ontario airport @ 8:15am and arrived at Cleveland airport at 4:30pm. It was just a 5 hour flight, but there is a 3 hour time difference.

As expected, I got shell shocked with the cold weather, although I was assured that at high 30's it's actually pretty warm. But, no matter, I was just so excited to see snow everywhere I look. Thankfully, my host picked me up as agreed upon... either that or he doesn't get his order of El Pollo Loco chicken, he he. Went off to pass by Best Buy to get Resident Evil: Extinction dvd. Spent a quiet night watching it after dinner, well, quiet aside from my screams ;p

After that one quiet night, it's tourist mode! Here's some pics I took from this trip, the rest you can find at my multiply site...

It was a weird feeling going on a vacation. I guess, I'm not used to it. Don't have to wake up early, no need to prepare breakfast, lunch or dinner, no need to rush anywhere, and no traffic. Most of the places we went to, I would not go to by myself. But that's what I promised myself I would do... do things that I don't normally do when I'm in LA. So, I got a hefty taste of culture. Ohio has plenty of museums to choose from, ranging from natural history, to music, to science and contemporary art. I even got attached to one of the paintings and bought myself a poster of it The Dream by Salvador Dali

There were some activities planned that did not push through, mainly because it rained and the snow melted. A little disappointed, yes, but I won't miss it. Who would actually look forward to either falling flat on your face or smack down on your butt? Skiing, I mean (which I haven't done, maybe next time). There's also that rock climbing which was thankfully closed by the time we got there... to high for me, thank you ;p I'm afraid I'm not the sporty type, but had there been snow, then I would have tried it, of course... gotta do it at least once in my lifetime.

There might have been things that I was not able to do, but there were certainly things that I did for the first time, and boy! that in itself was a novelty and so much fun. Driving in the snow... while raining, stepping on real snow (not the type that comes out of machines), touching it, just seeing it everywhere you turn... Snow overdose!!! So sad it went away so soon. Cleveland hit their record high temperature the weekend I was there, ergo, melted snow.

Ah, but the food... it's real food, with flavor and not the usual bland taste of American food. I was told that it's because most of the produce are really fresh from the farms. Blueberry cream hotcakes... dreamy. I would not normally eat something like that, too sweet, but this one, I liked very much. Dinner at Pier W is something I would like to do again. Not only was the view breathtaking, the food was excellent, the staff great... my "date"? well, not really... my host for the evening, although he complains too much that I'm too quiet, is great company. He just won't give up on trying to extract information from me... personal ones at that, hay!

I met "the walking dead"... she's a local waitress at a great diner (won't mention it in case she protests, he he). No complaints about the food, in fact we went back so I can try their famous omelette. But man! She is one hell of a character. We couldn't stop laughing. She's the only person I've heard speak as if... she was really dead... very flat tone of voice, no variation in pitch whatsoever and she moves ever so slowly and looked too dazed to know what she was doing. I still crack up everytime I think of her... maybe next time I'll take a video of her and put her up on youtube.

I even got to go to a bar to watch the game between OSU and LSU. Now this is something I've never done before, nor would I do it if it was only me(not a football fan, sowee). But it turned out to be so much fun! It was certainly amusing to watch the whole place erupt with cheers for Ohio State and boos for the other team. It's contagious, I tell you, pretty soon I was as loud as they were. And although they did not win this time it was still so much fun... not to mention I got to drink beer (Guiness), the first in 11 years and got to taste that famous garlic wings ;)

And not to forget, people over there, also don't know how to drive, wah ha ha. I was only there a couple of days, and though they are pretty easy going with their driving, I think they should go back to driving school.

Still so many things to do, and sadly, so little time. To some, going to Cleveland might sound tame for a vacation, but that's just exactly what I needed. Some peace and quiet... a slow kind of existence. Everything was perfect!!! Down to my host's incessant complaints about my bouts of silence and his insistence that I did not want to do what I think was fun with him. Fun is relative, and I am easy to please.